The third advice column, Miss Manners, does not deal with such a wide range of topics. It is concerned with politeness. The expert is Judith Martin, an American born in 1938. Her column has been running in newspapers around the world since 1978.

The letters to Ms Martin ask questions about what is correct social behaviour. In this lesson you’ll find out the kind of answers she writes as Miss Manners. Then you’ll have a chance to read, think about and talk with your classmates about situations in other letters. Finally, you’ll have a chance to be the experts and write your group’s response.

Before we look at a few examples of letters to Miss Manners and her responses, it is useful to find out a bit about how she thinks. Here’s what she says about people and goodness.

Yes, we’re born adorable (loveable), but we are not born good; that has to be learned.

She also tells us how she defines the difference between manners and etiquette. Manners are standards of behaviour based on ideas like respect for other people. "The rules of a particular time, place and activity, are called etiquette." That is, rules of etiquette are based on good manners, but can change in different situations.

For you, that means that what is good etiquette in the United States may not be good etiquette in Thailand. However, respect for people should be universal, that is, it should apply to all people at all times. So, you can disagree with the advice given by Miss Manners in this lesson, but make sure you have reasons based on rules of respect in your own culture.

Here is some vocabulary that will help you with the letters that follow: gracious polite and thoughtful; generous obliged feeling that one has a duty; compelled gratitude thankfulness tipping giving money for service sarcasm saying or writing something that clearly is intended to mean the opposite, especially when the purpose is to be amusing but in an unkind way

Here’s a typical letter to Miss Manners. Her response illustrates a very common theme in her answers — thank you notes are a very important part of human relations.

Dear Miss Manners: A friend called and mentioned something that was frustrating her, and my husband was able to help. He gave her advice that solved the problem and saved several hundred dollars. She wrote him a thank-you note and gave him some money to go out to dinner. This was more than the situation called for, and we both feel embarrassed accepting the money. Is there a way to return it graciously, or is our only choice to accept it and write a thank-you note in return? Gentle Reader: Had the lady sent your husband a present, you would of course have been obliged to express only gratitude. She could also have expressed her appreciation by taking you both out to dinner. But she didn’t. She tipped him. No wonder you and he are embarrassed. The graciousness required here would be a letter saying how happy he was to be able to do her a favour, and that he cannot possibly accept money from a friend.

Clearly, Miss Manners does not think that tipping is an appropriate way of thanking a friend. Notice that she uses her response to suggest what the thankful friend should have done.

In the next letter you’ll notice another common feature of Ms Manner’s responses — she sometimes lectures her readers when she feels they are not well-mannered or not thoughtful.

Dear Miss Manners: A friend allows her 11-year-old daughter to bring a book to read when the family gathers at a restaurant. Obviously the parent feels this is mannerly, but we find it disrespectful and rude. Please give us your viewpoint. Gentle Reader: Doesn’t this poor child have a cell phone? That is the current instrument of choice when one wants to show guests that they are so boring that one must ignore them and supply one’s own entertainment. If the parents are under the impression that to do so with a book is any less insulting than to do so with a telephone Miss Manners assures them that they are mistaken.

Miss Manner’s first question in this response is an example of sarcasm which she often uses to make her point. She does not really mean that the child is "poor". She is saying that the parents have not taught the child to respect guests but allow her to insult them by choosing to pay attention to her own interests.

You may have noticed that Miss Manners always writes in the third person. That is, she does not write "I think", but uses her pen name as though she were speaking about someone. This is simply a matter of style, but it does create a more formal tone to the responses.

Below you will find six letters to Miss Manners and her responses. In the Bangkok Post these appear together, as they do above. However, today we have separated them so you will look at the letters first. That will give you a chance to be the etiquette experts.

Work in groups to talk about the situations in one of the letters which your teacher assigns to you. First, read the letter to completely understand the situation and the question the writer is asking. Talk about it with your group. Try to do this in English. Next, decide how you think the question should be answered. Work together to write a short answer for the reader — in English, of course. Don’t forget to give reasons for your suggestion.

A question of small gifts Dear Miss Manners: One of my husband’s co-workers went on an out-of-town holiday and brought back a small gift for each person in the office. On our holiday, my husband thought we needed to follow this precedent and bring back a little something for each of his co-workers. I argued that this was unnecessary, that a small food gift that could be shared by the entire office would be more appropriate, and that we shouldn’t feel compelled to reciprocate on one co-worker’s overgenerous giving spree. My husband is not especially close to any of his co-workers, and we do not socialise with them out of work. Do you agree that individual gifts would be inappropriate and excessive? precedent an action which provides a pattern for similar situations in future compelled feeling that one has a duty; obliged reciprocate to do the same as has been done for you spree a time of high activity Two invitations Dear Miss Manners: My family and I have been invited to two different occasions on the same day at the same time. One is for a graduate of high school who is putting on a recital and graduation reception. She is a close friend of my mom’s and mine, and she personally invited us. The other is a wedding of our neighbour of 13 years. She is close to us, too, and we are invited to a private bridal shower. Which one should we attend? recital a public musical performance bridal shower a party where gifts are given to a woman about to be married A gold bracelet Dear Miss Manners: At my 12th birthday party, Grandma gave me a gold bracelet. I thanked her when I opened it and several times that afternoon, and I used my allowance money to buy her a box of chocolates. During the week we talked on the phone and I thanked Grandma again for the bracelet. A month later Grandma was visiting and she told me in private that she was disappointed in me and she thought I had bad manners because I didn’t send her a thank-you note. I thought if I thanked her too much it would be redundant. redundant more than is necessary A question from a hearing-impaired person Dear Miss Manners: I am a young adult who is hearing-impaired and consequently wears a hearing aid. I am often approached by curious children of family friends and strangers who ask what is in my ear. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do when approached by these young people? I have not been able to come up with an answer that successfully satisfies their curiosity and also dissuades them from attempting to touch my ears. hearing-impaired unable to hear; deaf dissuade to convince someone not to do something Hand-me-downs Dear Miss Manners: When I had a son two years ago, family members gave us baby items for him — hand-me-down clothes, toys, walkers, a crib — that they would no longer need, as they did not plan to have any more children. I am now planning to have a big garage sale to get rid of it all; plus I could use the money. Since all of these things were given to me with no discussion of them being returned, aren’t they mine now, and can’t I do as I want with them? Am I obliged to offer to return them to the original family members? One sister-in-law has already asked me for the crib back, which I guess she can have, but I am still using the mattress in my son’s toddler bed and don’t feel I should have to buy a new one now. There is a good deal of family tension building over this. I thought that once you gave something to somebody, it was theirs for good. Or does this not apply to children’s items? toddler a young child just learning to walk tension trouble; anxious feelings Watching television Dear Miss Manners: I have just returned from a weekend visit to my elderly aunt and uncle’s home where I was forced to watch television with them. This has happened many times before. They don’t turn off the television for my visit although they know how I feel about this. I can’t count the number of times when I have been invited into someone’s home only to have to compete with the television. I would never think of keeping the television on when I have company. Why do so many people do this and what can one say or do when it happens? company guests in your home Now that you have talked about and answered your letter, read Miss Manners’ response. Did your group come up with a similar response to hers? If not, do you think her answer is also good? Has she been sarcastic in her any of her response? MISS MANNERS’ RESPONSES A question of small gifts Gentle Reader: Not only that, but Miss Manners believes that by following your suggestion your husband would make his co-workers a double present. First there would be the food, and then there would be the relief in realising that you have stopped this generous but unduly burdensome idea before it became an office custom, and that they do not have to spend their holidays hunting around for presents for all their colleagues. unduly unnecessarily; not appropriate burdensome causing difficulty Two invitations Gentle Reader: Leaving either event early would be unspeakable. That is why we have the rule that you attend the event you accepted first, and express extreme regret, even heartbreak, at therefore being unable to accept another invitation for the same time. unspeakable impossible; not to be considered A gold bracelet Gentle Reader: Technically, your grandmother is right. There is rarely such a thing as thanking someone too much for a gold bracelet; and a serious present does require a letter. Miss Manners will even concede that although, ordinarily, it would be rude of the giver to mention this omission, your grandmother is not out of place in teaching you a point of manners that you missed, even though you have obviously learned the lesson behind it — that of expressing gratitude. But if she wants to tutor you in politeness, she should have exercised some herself. A kindly lesson would have acknowledged your enthusiastic expressions of gratitude before mentioning that it is customary and pleasing to put them in writing. concede to admit to be true omission something forgotten or left out customary the usual thing to do A question from a hearing-impaired person Gentle Reader: "It’s to turn up the volume." No child will fail to understand this. Your next problem will be what to say when those children ask where they can get these for themselves. Hand-me-downs Gentle Reader: I does and it doesn’t. A present that someone selects for you is certainly yours, to use, pass on, throw out or sell, provided only that you offer thanks and make sure the giver does not think that it failed to provide the pleasure that was intended. Hand-me-downs are not presents, and they come with a different emotional element. As items that were already owned and used, they are given in the spirit of mutual helpfulness. Among family and close friends, there may be additional pleasure in seeing favourite items continue to be useful. So the items are yours, but with the understanding that you don’t break the cycle of kind intentions. You could ask for delay on the mattress because you are still using it. But to sell the family hand-me-downs is to reject the spirit of mutual concern and cooperation in which they were given. Miss Manners is not moved by the argument that you could use the money. Most young families can, and that is exactly why good people try to help one another as you were helped. mutual shared; useful or beneficial to both intention purpose; plan reject to refuse to accept; to ignore Watching television Gentle Reader: Why do they do that? Perhaps because they have difficulty making conversation. Perhaps because they are so used to having the television set on that they are hardly aware of it. Miss Manners agrees with you that this does not excuse the unsociability of offering one’s guests electronic competition. Everyone is very down now — and deservedly so — on people who ignore the people they are with in order to devote themselves to cellular telephones, but this is no better. What one can say is "I so much looked forward to having a chance to talk with you, but I’m afraid I find the television distracting. When you’re finished with what you’re watching, could we turn it off? I have so much to tell you." down on to consider inappropriate or bad deservedly so rightly; correctly devote to pay attention to

FOLLOW-UP You are now thoroughly familiar with one situation that was submitted to Miss Manners. Your teacher will now help you to change groups so that you will have a chance to tell your classmates from other groups about the question, your answer and Miss Manners response. You will also hear about the letters the other groups have read. Have fun! TEACHER'S NOTE The advice columns in the Bangkok Post are among the most popular columns in the paper and they make good material for your class. That’s because they deal with real situations sent in by real people. They are also conversational and often amusing. I suggest that you have the students read the introductory notes and examples. Discuss the situations raised in the example letters and Miss Manners’ responses to make sure they understand clearly. Help them become familiar with typical ways that Miss Manners answers letters. This will help them when they read the responses. Then, I suggest you use an "information gap" activity. This takes a bit of planning, but once your students get used to the procedure, you can use it with many different kinds of course material. The diagram below will help you visualise the steps. First, divide your class into groups of five or six students. Assign each group one of the letters to read, understand and answer. As they discuss their letter and the response, they gain confidence using the language suitable for that situation — good preparation for the second part. Next, within each group have the students number (1-5 or 1-6) and regroup so that the five or six new groups bring together students who all have different information to share, information they have already talked about. Next week: Thai hopes for the Olympics Go back to the top